The Art of Deception

I’ve discovered that one of the ironic unintended results of becoming pregnant is that it instantly makes you a liar to all the people that you care about most. I know, I get it – you don’t want to tell people that you are pregnant too early due to the risk of miscarriage and all that other sad stuff. Prolonging telling people the good news is a way to potentially prevent having to tell them horrible, horrible news in a horribly awkward conversation. I’ve seen it happen before at work. It’s ugly.

Person A: “Hey Person B, getting excited about the baby?”

Person B: “We lost the baby.”

Person A: “So… how about this weather?”

::awkward silence for five minutes, followed by both parties feeling like crap for hours::

So I’m on board with not telling people about the pregnancy until things are “safe”. But isn’t it a little hilarious that the first true parenting skill that new parents learn to develop is how to tell bold-faced lies to everyone they see?

I guess when you think about it, it makes perfect sense – since parents have to do a good deal of lying to their kids for at least the first ten… or twenty years of their lives. You know, things like:

• “The Easter Bunny is real.”
• “Santa Claus is watching.”
• “There’s nothing to worry about, we know exactly what we’re doing.”
• “I didn’t drink until I was 21 – and you aren’t going to either!”

So really, all we’re doing now is practicing for later in life, right? This is nature’s way of getting us in the mindset of becoming parents, where you often avoid the truth for the sake of the greater good?

Maybe.

It’s just funny how much of a game it all becomes. Once you’ve been married for a few years, people (unjustifiably) start expecting that you’re going to start having kids… and that becomes the go-to topic of conversation for any gatherings. I think that part of it is due to the fact that life gets more boring once you are a grown-up and just working all the time. Babies are an exciting change, something to talk about other than your boring job that no one cares about or the things you are doing around your house that just lead to Kate wanting me to do stuff around our house. People are excited about them and want to talk about them – and yet once you actually have one, you spend the first three months telling people you don’t… and working like hell to prevent them from finding out.

I guess the second part of the equation wouldn’t be too much of an issue were it not for our good friend alcohol. If it weren’t for the fact that every social event involving our group of friends involves alcohol (translation – we’re fun), it would be a lot easier to hide. But like I said, since we are still awesome, it can lead to some tricky situations. Once one couple in a group of friends has a baby, they become hawks – on the lookout for someone else to join them in the world of parenting, carefully monitoring who is drinking and who is not. They are well aware that “I’ll just have a water” is code for “I’m pregnant”. They know that cozies can easily disguise a soda to look like a beer. They know what it looks like to slowly fake drink a glass of wine for two hours and then have it suddenly disappear after you step away for a moment.

I kid you not, I’ve seen friends go and buy shots of alcohol for suspicious girls and have them drink it to prove that they are not pregnant. Ridiculous – but admittedly effective… or at the very least proving who is a really, really irresponsible mother willing to do anything to keep up the game.

Also crazy? How willing bartenders are to go along with the game. If you ever want to have free non-alcoholic drinks at a bar – and are a female – just go up to a bartender and tell them that you’re going to order “gin and tonics” all night (wink wink) but instead make them as tonic water with lime. I think the bartenders like the game as much as the females do, because they ham it up with “here is that drink you ordered ma’am, I hope it’s not too strong for you” and then end up not charging you at the end of the night for any of them. I wonder if this is a topic covered in bartender school, or if they just feel special knowing that they know you’re pregnant before most of your friends or family. Again, ironic. I think the first five people to know that we were pregnant were bartenders.

As the male half of the pregnancy equation, the game works out pretty well for me. I’m the one trading drinks with the wife, pounding them, and trading back to make it appear that she’s drinking along with everyone else. Sure, I look like a total lightweight since I’m drunk twice as fast as everyone else – but hey, anything to keep up the game, right? Plus, I’ve got a built in DD for the next year. Might as well take advantage of it.

Once the game ends, and it’s safe to own up to your pregnancy, of course people are quick to come out with stories about how they knew it because you bought life insurance, or that they suspected something when Kate actually volunteered to be a DD at a wedding – but still, I’d like to think that we played the game well… and are now pretty well prepared for working together to lie to our future child.

Also, now that we’ve successfully played the game and seen things from the other side, we’re going to be even better at calling out future friends when they’re pregnant! Get the shots ready.